There are some wounds you don’t see until much later in life. They don’t always come from loud abuse or harsh words, sometimes, they come from silence, from someone who just wasn’t there or was there but emotionally unavailable, unreachable.
A father’s absence often whispers a lie like this to a child: “You’re not worth staying for.” Many adult parents know what that feels like. And unfortunately, many children today are growing up with the same ache. Perhaps the most heartbreaking part is that some carry that broken model into their future families.
The New Face of Absenteeism
We are a privileged generation in many ways. We have access to remote jobs, flexible hours, side hustles, and digital platforms that allow us to work from anywhere. But what should have been a blessing has become nearly a curse. Instead of creating space for family, it has created distance within proximity. Many fathers are physically around, working from home, living in the same space as their children, but still unavailable..
Daddy is always home, but also always busy.
His head is buried deep in a laptop, working round the clock.
He’s locked up in the room for hours, playing games or scrolling through his phone.
He doesn’t want to be interrupted, not now, not later, not ever.
I Know This Dad… Because I’ve Been There Too
Honestly? I’ve caught myself in those very same shoes; head deep in work while my child was speaking to me. The other day, my first son asked me a question at least five times. Going and coming back, repeating it like an echo… and I was hearing, but not really hearing.
Thank God for the Holy Spirit who gently nudged my heart. I looked at him, apologized, and put everything aside in that moment. I told myself out loud that day: “I never want to be this parent.”
Fatherhood Requires Sacrifice
Fatherhood requires sacrifices; sacrifices of time, energy, personal desires, and sometimes even comfort. It’s not always easy or convenient, but it is the ultimate example of love and commitment. Just as God sent His only Son to die for us, not because it was convenient for Him, but because He loved us. (John 3:16).
Being a father means giving of yourself, even when it feels inconvenient. From staying up late to help with homework, to adjusting your schedule to attend your child’s school event, or taking time out of a busy day to engage with them, fatherhood involves putting your family first, over and above your own comfort and convenience.
But this sacrificial lifestyle is also incredibly rewarding. The moments when you see your child light up with love or gratitude for the sacrifices you make?
What Presence Looks Like
- Asking how their day was, and actually listening.
- Saying “I’m proud of you” without waiting for a perfect report card.
- Sharing parts of your own story, your fears, your wins, your mistakes.
- Holding space for their emotions without rushing to fix or scold.
- Letting them interrupt your scrolling, your show, or your schedule.
Love in Every Moment
As parents, my husband and I are often involved in ministry and constantly around people, many times, we find ourselves juggling responsibilities that seem never-ending. But in the midst of the noise of meetings, church events, and the demands of life, I’ve learned how to still be present for my children.
I’ve learned to include my children in my love during these times, even in the busyness of church. I embrace them, hug them, every chance I get, be it towards the close of church service or when I’m counseling someone. I make sure they know they are never a burden and can run into my arms for an embrace anytime, even if I’m busy
Why? Because I made a decision that they would never doubt my love for them.
By making intentional choices to prioritize love and presence, we teach our children that they matter most. This is the kind of fatherhood we need: one that shows love through action, sacrifice, and availability, even when it’s inconvenient.
So give them that hug, that peck, that warm embrace even when you’re rushing out.
Pause to notice them, and make them feel safe and seen with you.
This is not just about being physically present but about ensuring they know, deep down, that they are important.
When they get older and begin to make friends outside, to discover themselves, they will still be comfortable talking with you. Your love and presence will have laid a solid foundation that helps them know that no matter what the world brings, home will always be a safe place to return to.
I’ve learned something:; we can make anything work, literally anything, if we really want to. I’ve learned to lean so deeply on the Holy Spirit that I can be productive even in the midst of the noise of my children.
I’ve learned to smile at my children while working.
To take small breaks to dance with them.
To pause and admire the Lego houses, the coloured books and the scribbled drawings.
I don’t always get it right, but I keep coming back to this truth:
Being truly present is possible. But it must be intentional.
As a mother, I’ve also made space for my children physically, even when it means waking up with back pain because of how they cling to me in their sleep. There’s something so beautiful about having them with me, even when they want to “enter me”. Like, what happened to all that space behind you! It’s all part of the journey of being present. Not just in the big moments but in the little ones, too. I let them sleep with me, share my space, and be physically close to me, because it creates memories of safety and love in their hearts.
Creating Time: They Deserve My Attention
I’ve also made sure that they are a priority in my schedule. It means showing up for them at every opportunity, even when life is busy.
A while ago, my son had a Valentine’s Day celebration at his school. The children were told to wear red outfits and bring snacks to share. I missed the announcement and found out about it when I dropped him off at school.
I quickly rushed back home, dressed him in red, but still missed the snack part. So, I had an uncle run out to get the snacks, and when my son saw him with the snacks in his class, his reaction was priceless, his face lit up!. He had been feeling sad that all his friends brought treats but he didn’t.
He was so happy and didn’t forget to say ‘thank you’ when he got home.
This little moment taught me that showing up in the small things means everything. It makes them feel loved and valued.
The Lesson? Presence Over Perfection
As fathers, sometimes the stress of life can make you feel like you’re not doing enough. But here’s the truth: Presence matters more than perfection.
It’s the little moments, the hugs, the time spent together, and the effort you make to show your children you love them that sticks with them.
Dear Father (or Father-to-be)
You don’t have to be a superhero or a perfect parent.
You just have to show up with love.
Children don’t need flawless fathers.
They need fathers who stay. Fathers who grow. Fathers who try again.
You don’t have to have all the answers.
You don’t need to always know what to say or do.
But you do need to be available; heart, mind, and spirit.
The little hands that reach out for you today,
The curious eyes that watch your every move,
The heart that lights up when you walk through the door
they’re not looking for perfection.
Your children will not remember every mistake.
But they will remember your presence or absence.
They will remember that you were there.
That you listened. That you showed up at their school.
That you said “I’m sorry” when you raised your voice when you could have been patient.
That you prayed over them. That you said “I love you.”
That you came home every day and chose them again and again.
For the Man Who Never Had That Growing Up
Maybe your father wasn’t there.
Maybe he was present but emotionally detached.
Maybe you learned early on that men keep quiet, stay distant, and never show emotion.
You can be the father you didn’t have.
Breaking the cycle may not be easy, it may require you to confront your own wounds, confront the habits you’ve inherited, and embrace a new way of being. But it’s worth the effort.
You can show up in the way you always wished someone showed up for you.
And if you feel like you don’t know where to start, start here: with presence.
Sit. Listen. Learn. Apologize. Hug. Try again.
They’re just looking for you.
They’re just asking you to be present in the moment.
Because they are made in the moments.
