Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with a promise, “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy a long life on the earth.” (Ephesians 6:1-3)
If we were to take a survey on how many people had a childhood free of trauma or pain caused by their parents, the results would likely be heartbreaking. So many adults today are wrestling with struggles that can be traced back to difficult childhood experiences.
It is easy to point fingers, to say, “My parents should have done better.” And maybe they should have. But what if we took that same survey again, this time among those who are now parents themselves? The reality might be even more shocking. Many who swore they would never repeat their parents’ mistakes now find themselves doing the exact same things, sometimes even worse. The very behaviors they despised growing up have somehow crept into their own parenting. Now, they look in the mirror and see an upgraded version of their father or mother, Version 3.0.
What does this tell us? That pain, hurt, and trauma do not just disappear. If left unchecked, they pass from one generation to the next, forming a vicious cycle of unhealthy parenting.
So, in the end, who carries the blame? The parents who modeled fear, control, and pain? Or the child who grew up in that environment and now unknowingly repeats the cycle?
The real question is not about blame, it is about breaking free.
A Better Legacy
I came across a picture online that really got me thinking. It said: “Every single person you meet is either repeating a cycle of generational trauma or carrying the burden of breaking it.”
Now, while there’s some truth to that, I don’t completely agree. I believe there’s a third category; those who are doing neither. There are people who aren’t stuck in a cycle of pain, nor are they fighting to break free from one. Instead, they are carrying forward a legacy of love, care, and godly parenting.
Some parents before us already did the hard work of breaking toxic cycles. They fought, they prayed, and they won. And because they did, their children don’t have to carry that same burden. Instead, they get to walk in the freedom and wholeness their parents fought for.
That’s my heartfelt prayer for you as you read. If you’re in the season of breaking cycles, may grace be released upon you so that when it’s your turn to parent, you won’t just struggle not to repeat the past, you’ll build something new. A foundation of love, peace, and godliness that your children will effortlessly carry forward for generations to come.
I, for example, am far from a perfect parent. Some days, I feel like I am completely messing this up, like I am the worst parent on the planet. But then, there are other days when I feel on top of the world, like I am absolutely nailing this parenting thing, like the best thing to happen to parenting since Jollof rice.
I was not raised with much affection, but I choose to raise my children with it. I did not grow up hearing the best words, but every day, I make a conscious effort to do better. I have not figured it all out yet, but I know one thing for sure, I am on my way.
God is Big on Honoring Your Parent
One of the very first commandments God gave His chosen people, the Israelites, after bringing them out of Egypt was this: ‘Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you‘. (Exodus 20:12)
This was not a minor instruction tucked away somewhere, it was right there among the first ten. That tells us something: God takes honoring parents seriously. So seriously that as soon as He brought His people out of bondage into freedom, one of the first things He established was how they were to treat those who gave them life. He did not wait for generations to pass before emphasizing it. He laid it down from the start, making it clear that this was part of what it meant to be His people.
And here is the thing, it still holds true today. Even though we are no longer under the Law, the heart of God remains unchanged. When Jesus summed up all the commandments into two, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37-39), the principle of honoring parents was right there, woven into the fabric of love.
Because how can we claim to walk in love if we despise the very ones through whom God brought us into the world?
Do You Already See Where I Am Going With This?
The truth is, you have little control over your parents, but through the Spirit of God, you have much control over how you respond to the disappointments they may have caused. When Scripture commands us to honor our parents, it does not attach conditions to it. “Honor your father and mother” which is the first commandment with a promise, “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” (Ephesians 6:2-3). This is an unconditional command, one that carries a blessing.
What I have come to realize is that if we took the time to sit with our parents and ask them deep, honest questions, we would discover something we may not have considered, they too are hurting. They too have been wounded. This is not to excuse the pain they caused, but the reality remains, hurt people hurt people, scorned people scorn people. And unless healing takes place, the cycle continues.
Conversations like this do not erase the past, but they can help us see with clearer eyes and extend grace. They can even serve as the starting point of our own healing, leading us to a firm decision, the cycle stops with me.
To love, even when we were not taught how to.
To care, even when we were not cared for.
To be affectionate with our children, even when our parents seemed cold and distant.
To be patient, even when we were raised by those who were short-fused, always seeming to devise new ways to frustrate us.
If we can learn to tear what I like to call the veil from our parents’ faces, to look beyond their actions and see the wounds they carry, we will realize that our fight is not against them. The real battle is with the enemy who has long been working to erode families, wounding children early so he can keep pulling on those scars until there is nothing left but ruins. And just as we have been his target, so were our parents. Before they ever hurt us, they too were hurt. Before they failed us, they too were failed.
Jesus, while hanging on the cross, prayed for those who crucified Him, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34).
And so, despite the hurt, we pray, not necessarily to change them, but because prayer changes us. And as we pray, we may find that while they remain the same, we are no longer the same.
Honor Them Because God Says So
Honor them. Not because they were perfect parents. Not because they always did right by you. But because God commands it, unconditionally.
Honor them to break the cycle.
Honor them to set the stage for your own healing.
Honor them to be a better parent than they were.
Honor them to show them love, so much love that despite everything they did to break you, they can see that you love them nonetheless.
This kind of love is powerful. It is the kind of love that can bring healing, that can soften even the hardest hearts. It is the kind of love that can draw a parent to salvation, opening their eyes to a journey of healing and restoration they never thought possible.
But let me tell you something, sheer willpower and human strength are not enough to prevail in situations like this. You need the force of prayer and the power of God’s Word. It is by His Word that we pull down everything, imaginations formed from painful experiences, thoughts and decisions shaped by fear, and every toxic pattern that has exalted itself above the truth of God’s design. “For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds, casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God.” (2 Corinthians 10:4-5).
Now, what if you are convinced that your parents are involved in witchcraft or the occult? Honor them still. Because as you honor them, you are securing divine protection over your own life. The covering of God is stronger than any diabolical power. Proverbs 16:7 says, ‘when a man’s ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.‘ Your decision to honor them puts you under God’s divine protection, shielding you from their plans and making sure their influence has no hold over your life.
That being said, here is my two cents. If physical abuse is involved and you are old enough to leave, leave. Not to escape them, but to save your life. But even as you step away for your safety, do not cut them off. Stay in communication. Call them, send messages, even when they do not respond. And do not just honor them with words, honor them with your substance.
It is far more honorable in God’s eyes to support your parents than to give the fattest offering in church. Jesus Himself rebuked the Pharisees for using religious excuses to avoid their responsibility towards their parents. They claimed that the resources meant to care for their parents had been “given to God,” calling it Corban, but in reality, they were dishonoring their father and mother (Mark 7:10-13).
So, honor them. Not because they were always right or even deserve it, but because you choose to do what is right, you are choosing to walk in obedience and break the cycle for the next generation
