Has someone ever gotten so far under your skin you didn’t know what to do to get them out?
You prayed.
You cried.
You said, “Lord, I release them.”
But the feeling didn’t leave.
You’ve said the words, “I forgive,” but your emotions didn’t seem to follow. And now you’re asking: “If I still feel this way, did I really forgive?” I’ve been there. There was a time someone did something so hurtful, I would wake up with my heart pounding, replaying what they did, what they said, how much it stung. I prayed. I fasted. I tried to “let go,” but the ache remained.
At some point, I started wondering if my struggle to feel free from the pain meant I hadn’t truly forgiven. But slowly, God began to show me something:
Forgiveness is a decision, but healing is a process.
Except God completely wipes our memories, we don’t forget offenses instantly. Forgiveness doesn’t always erase the emotional footprint overnight.
So when Jesus says to “forgive and forget,” I believe He’s not asking us to pretend the hurt didn’t happen. Rather, He’s asking us not to act from the pain it caused. Ephesians 4:26 says “Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your wrath”
So I can say forgiveness is when:
- You feel the anger, but you choose not to retaliate, you chose not to let it harden you.
- You remember what they did, but you don’t use it to punish them, you chose not to weaponize it.
- You’re given the chance to recommend or bless them and you choose to respond as God leads, not as your wounds desire.
That’s real forgiveness. It’s not the absence of memory, but absence of revenge.
If Joseph Could Do It, You Can Too
One day, while reading my Bible, the Holy Spirit highlighted something I hadn’t really paid attention to before. He told me to pause on a conversation between Joseph’s brothers. I saw that they were still beating themselves up for what they had done to him years after the fact.
When Joseph tested them by keeping Benjamin and asking them to bring their father, their immediate reaction was, “Surely we are being punished because of what we did to our brother…” (Genesis 42:21).
It occurred to me That probably wasn’t the first time they felt that way. They were haunted by guilt, convinced that every misfortune was payback for what they had done. They may have moved on outwardly, but inwardly, they were still bleeding.
Then the Holy Spirit whispered to me:
“Chances are, those who hurt you feel the sting too, even if they never say it. And if they never say it or acknowledge it, it’s okay.
Joseph had every right to feel broken. He had every reason to be angry. They sold him out like he was some cheap slave. But when power was placed in his hands, he didn’t use it to punish. He used it to preserve. He said to them: “Do not be distressed or angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.” (Genesis 45:5) “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” (Genesis 50:20)
Joseph didn’t deny the pain, but he also didn’t let the pain define him. He chose the higher road: to forgive, release, and bless. He chose to be a vessel in God’s hands instead of a prisoner to his past. And if a man made of flesh and blood like us could do that… Then so can we. Not by willpower, but by the Spirit of God.
This is what it truly means to forgive and forget. Not a wiping away of memory, but a refusal to act from the pain. Not denying that it hurt, but choosing not to rehearse or retaliate. When we say “forgive and forget” in Christ, we don’t mean memory loss, we mean memory surrendered.
That’s what Joseph did. That’s how we “forget”, by remembering it through the eyes of mercy, not revenge.
They Should Just Get What They Deserve
Sometimes, we want to see them “get what they deserve” but that’s why God says: “Vengeance is Mine; I will repay,” says the Lord. (Romans 12:19)
But even at that, we must hold that scripture with humility, otherwise we would be sucked into the darkness that comes with unforgiveness.
Don’t camp on that verse like you’re waiting with popcorn for their downfall. Ask yourself: Would I rather see them fall, or see God lift me above the pain? Above their expectations?
And when it feels unfair, like they hurt you and got away with it, remember this: God sees. He keeps records in heaven, not to shame them, but to vindicate your obedience. I believe this is one of the reasons God loved David so deeply. David was hunted and hated by Saul, but he never let that pain poison his heart. Even after Saul’s death, he asked: “Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?” ( 2 Samuel 9:1). He didn’t forget the pain, but he chose not to act from it. He let love lead.
And you can too.
I know what they said was so painful it’s living rent-free in your head.
I know what they did broke your heart into pieces you’re not even sure you can gather, let alone believe in again.
I know how they just walked away, like your presence was disposable, was a shock that left you breathless.
You didn’t deserve that.
You loved them. You trusted them, and they hurt you deeply.
But you can heal.
It won’t always feel this raw.
God can reach into the deepest cuts and stitch you back together, so gently, so completely that you’ll carry the scar but not the sting.
The fact that you’re still showing up, still whispering “God, help me,” still choosing not to let bitterness win, means you’re not stuck. You’re healing and He’s with you in every step of it.
You can remember without reliving. You can forgive without excusing. And you can rise again like Joseph and David without waiting for their apology. God is not asking you to deny the pain, He’s asking you to bring it to Him, because He alone can turn it into something redemptive.
Scriptures to Meditate on:
Romans 12:17–21: Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
