I remember the look on my son’s face, those wide, unsure eyes, his little body tense, almost frozen. He had spilled water on the bed. Something so simple, so human. But in that moment, I could see that he wasn’t just worried about the mess. He was worried about me, how I’d react, whether I’d be angry, whether my face would fall with that familiar look of disappointment.
He already looked sad. He had already punished himself in his mind. I could see it written all over him. I held him. I told him what he did wasn’t okay, but I also told him I was proud of him for telling the truth.
And honestly? That wasn’t the first time he flinched. Somewhere along the way, I had taught him that telling the truth could get him in trouble. I didn’t mean to, but it was there. There was a time I spanked him whenever I caught him in a lie. I hated lying. It triggered something in me. Every time he lied, I didn’t just see the behaviour, I questioned everything:
Was I failing as a mother?
Did he not trust me?
Why was he lying about things I would easily forgive?
But then I began to really look at him. I set aside my hurt and started to see his heart. He wasn’t lying because he wanted to deceive me. He was lying because he didn’t want to disappoint me. He was lying because he had seen my face drop one too many times and it hurt him. That realization changed everything.
Turning Moments into Milestones
That day with my son became a milestone. Not because he never lied again (he’s still a child!), but because our bond got better. He saw that mom didn’t just care about behavior, she cared about him more. And I began to see that if I respond to truth with grace, then I will raise a child who trusts me, and becomes trustworthy himself.
Here’s what I’ve learned about helping children become truthful and reliable:
- Sometimes all they need is safety not a long speech about how what they have just done is bad.
- A hug instead of a lecture. A moment where they know we’re still for them, even when they mess up.
- They need to know that their mistake isn’t bigger than our love for them.
Reliability doesn’t begin with rules, it begins with relationship. The more we show our children that they can trust us with the truth, the more they grow into people who can be trusted, first by us, and then by others
Why Do Children Lie? “Why did Sarah lie?”
I believe many children don’t lie because they’re malicious or rebellious. I believe they lie because they’re afraid; afraid of punishment, of disappointing someone they love, or of being misunderstood. This fear creates an emotional wall, a defense mechanism designed to protect their fragile hearts from shame.
But as parents, especially those striving to lay a godly foundation, we must ask ourselves: Are we creating an environment where truth is safe?
In Genesis 18:10–15, when the Lord told Abraham that Sarah would have a son, Sarah laughed within herself. When confronted, she denied it. Scripture says: “but Sarah denied it, saying, ‘I did not laugh,’ for she was afraid.”
There it is, Sarah lied not because she was wicked, but because she was afraid.
Fear. That’s a root.
Fear of judgment.
Fear of shame.
Fear of being exposed in a moment of weakness. And this is precisely what our children feel when they sense our disappointment, when they see our faces fall at their mistakes.
Even if they can’t put it into words, they feel it. Honestly, I’ve discovered that these little humans are much smarter and more emotionally intelligent than we often assume. It’s as if their senses are heightened, they notice everything. The tone in your voice. The slight pause before you answer. The look in your eyes. They feel it all. Their sensitivity isn’t a weakness. It’s a tool, an open window into their hearts. We just have to be present enough, calm enough, and humble enough to see it.
Punishment for Lying: Why It Often Backfires (God’s Response to Sarah: Grace Over Guilt)
Let’s be honest: it can be painful to see our children lie. It feels like betrayal. It stings. And our natural instinct is to correct it firmly, sometimes harshly. We think, “If I don’t deal with this seriously, they’ll keep doing it.” But in many cases, punishing the lie doesn’t stop the lying, it just drives it underground.
I speak from experience. I’ve been there. In the earlier days of parenting, when I first noticed my son telling lies, my immediate response was spanking. I thought I was teaching him the seriousness of dishonesty. But here’s what I began to realize, for those who’ve tried this, you’ve probably noticed something similar: the lies don’t stop. In fact, they become more sophisticated. Children learn how to cover their tracks. They become more cautious, more withdrawn, more anxious
So, I faced the truth: my approach wasn’t creating an honest child, it was creating a scared one.
Let’s go back to Sarah in Genesis 18. She laughed in disbelief when God said she’d have a child in her old age. And when God asked why she laughed, she denied it: She lied.
- But God didn’t:
- Rub it in her face
- Withhold His promise
- Punish her with disease or death
- Threaten her with consequences
Instead, He simply said, “No, but you did laugh.” A calm correction. A truth stated with no shaming. And most importantly, He still fulfilled the promise. Sarah still conceived. She still gave birth to Isaac. She was still part of God’s redemptive story.
Similarly, shame has a way of making us run from the very place we should feel safest.When Adam and Eve ate the fruit God strictly forbade them to eat, they hid. Not because they were inherently bad people, but because they were ashamed.
When God came walking in the garden, calling for Adam, the man didn’t run toward His Father, he ran away. He covered himself. He hid. And when God asked him what happened, Adam didn’t just confess. He shifted the blame: “The woman You gave to be with me, she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate.” Genesis 3:12
That wasn’t just blame, it was the voice of a man drowning in shame and trying to protect himself. Shame makes us self-protect. It makes us hide. It makes us push others away. And our children do the same. When our kids do something wrong and they lie about it, it’s not always rebellion, it’s often shame. Fear of what we’ll think. Fear of losing our approval. Fear of making us sad or angry.
But what did God do with Adam and Eve? Yes, He addressed their actions. There were consequences. But He also covered them. Genesis 3:21 says: “The Lord God made clothing from skins for the man and his wife, and He clothed them.”
Even in their failure, God moved toward them. He still provided for them. He didn’t reject them. That’s the model. We don’t excuse wrong, but we don’t let shame have the final word either. We can help our children come out of hiding by being the kind of parents who, like God, still call their name, not to condemn, but to restore. That’s the kind of response that builds trust. That’s the kind of response that makes someone want to be honest again next time. God wasn’t focused on the moment of fear, He was focused on the long-term relationship.
Hebrews 4:16 says: “Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Notice it doesn’t say “approach once you’ve fixed yourself.” It says come as you are, confidently, because you trust the heart of the One you’re coming to.
Our children need to see us as that kind of parent. When they tell the truth, even when it’s hard, we must respond with grace, not rage. We must make honesty feel safe, not scary. Our children need a close and safe parent when they’re broken, not a harsh one. The very heart of the gospel is that God knew our weaknesses, our tendency to hide, and instead of punishing us right away, He made a way for us to come freely through Jesus.
What If We Did the Same? What if we stopped punishing our children for lying and instead:
- Asked ourselves why they felt the need to lie?
- Looked beyond the behavior and into the emotion?
- Affirmed their truth-telling, even when it came late or reluctantly?
- Gently corrected, but never crushed?
What if we treated each moment of honesty like a victory, especially when it comes from a child who’s still learning courage? When a child tells the truth, especially after previously lying, that’s growth. That’s a seed of integrity being planted. And we have to water it with safety, not scorch it with judgment.
Punishment might control behavior temporarily, but it doesn’t shape the heart. And if our goal is to raise adults who value truth, not just children who fear consequences, then we must lead with grace. Yes, consequences are part of parenting, but when it comes to lying, connection must come before correction. Because it’s in that connection that real transformation happens.
The next time your child tells the truth, especially when it’s hard, how will you show them that honesty is always worth it?
Ways to encourage truth-telling and reliability in children:
1. Respond with calm, not chaos and celebrate moments Your Child Tells the Truth
What we do when a child tells the truth about a mistake teaches them more than a hundred sermons.
If we explode, they learn: “Truth is dangerous.”
If we embrace and correct gently, they learn: “Truth is hard, but safe.
Proverbs 15:1 says “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
When your son spills water or breaks something and owns up to it, affirm his courage before addressing the mess: “Thank you for telling me the truth. That’s brave of you. We’ll clean it up together.” Truthfulness and reliability are like muscles, they strengthen with use. So, celebrate every small moment your child tells the truth. It’s practice for life.
2. Draw the line between behavior and identity: say clearly: “I love you. What you did is not okay, but who you are is still my beloved child.” This teaches that mistakes don’t define them, but honesty refines them.
3. Use personal examples: Sometimes, share your own childhood stories, times you were afraid to tell the truth and what happened. Vulnerability creates relatability, and relatability breeds trust.
4. Teach the power of reliability: As they grow, children can understand that being truthful is part of being trustworthy. Proverbs 12:22 says: “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.”
In the end, we’re not raising just children, we’re raising future men and women of character. People who will face pressures, temptations, and choices in a world that often rewards dishonesty. But their compass starts at home. Their instinct to tell the truth or cover up will largely come from how we’ve responded when they’ve been vulnerable.
